Yesterday was my birthday. Yes, another year older, another milestone reached. It was the big 4-0 this time, and it got me to thinking. Why is forty such a big deal? Is it because, decades ago, it was considered middle age - you know, back when it was rare for people to live past their 80's. Was it because that, by forty x goals should have been made, and you should be settling into y kind of life? Someone, please educate me on why this is a milestone.
I know one reason why I wasn't keen on turning forty. People love to say "oh you are over the hill now!" No. With the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I hit that point at thirty. In the past year, I've lost three EDS friends. One was just in her twenties. The other two were in their sixties. In 2016, the EDS friends I lost were all in their fifties and sixties. We don't seem to live much past that. Too many things go wrong. Too many things fail. The weeks leading up to my fortieth were the first time I really sat down and thought about what the end-game of this disorder looks like. I've been so busy fighting it that what is coming down the pipeline has been a distant shadow, even when watching those with EDS who are older than me go through it all. Denial can be a pretty thing until it smacks you in the face a few times.
My twenties and thirties were pretty awesome times. I travelled a bit, did storm chasing for three years in Colorado, did respite work for some pretty amazing kids, moved a lot, got back on my feet after disaster, married, bought a house, started growing our own food, learned to quilt and sew better, wrote and published two novels and more. The last few years, though, not much of anything has happened. Gardening has become much harder, though I still try every year. More adaptations need to be made to the beds, but the resources (those who can do the labor to install said adaptations) are few. I'm in Physical therapy just about as much as I'm out, due to injuries from trying to do gardening and sewing. I haven't been able to get to the gym to do water therapy, as it wipes me out too much afterward. I cannot get to the point where it doesn't. It's all this little annoying stuff which screams of the decline EDS can cause. I didn't want to turn forty because I know there is going to be much more of this. I need to be prepared to fight it as I've fought everything else Ehlers-Danlos and its comorbidities does.
So, forty was met quietly. No big parties, no hoopla. Just a couple of meals out and two little shopping trips. It was also met with me staring down what's coming and vowing to not let it break me. The new state laws regarding my pain management could easily do just that, mere months into this decade, but I pray not. I was just freed from two very toxic medications and do not want to go back down that road when we have something which is giving me some quality of life back. I'm staring down the injuries, staring down the predictions, and trying to turn the opposite direction. I'm gearing up to fight as I have been fighting. I'm gearing up for more and hoping the forties end up knocking the other decades out of the water.
#EhlersDanlos, #ZebraWarrior, #forty, #FightingEDS
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
On A Year of Changes
We never did get a Christmas letter or cards out this year. As shown in the prior blog, 2017 came in like an EF4 tornado and nearly tore our world apart. We had Amber living with us, Owen was back at the bottom of the mountain when it comes to his battle with chronic depression and what the PKU does, and I was facing having to start on IV therapy to get the heart side of the Ehlers-Danlos with Dysautonomia back under control. I was at my physical, mental, and emotional limit on what to do.
Owen's finally seeking professional help again started to make a change. He was slowly coming out of all of the negatives, especially after being put back on the one depression medication. He's back working on his HAM radios and is talking about getting back into woodworking. While his job is still a major trigger, he's learning how to work with it. In April, I joined him in seeking counseling. Every other Wednesday, we drive down to UVA Behavioral Medicine together and go to our separate therapists. While couples counseling still really needs to happen, we've had trouble with finding someone who takes our insurance and also can work around my complex schedule.
That is because, in May, I was given a big promotion at work. I now don't just advise/manage 30 students, I also run our schools new community service and community involvement initiative. That meant researching and developing ways to bring more student and parent interactions to Bridgeway Homeschool Academy. The first step was making online clubs. I now spend every Tuesday running two Minecraft clubs for middle and high school students, and the 2nd and 4th Wednesday is managing our National Beta Honor Society club. There are also book clubs, which others are leading. It's been a great boost! Phase two will be kicking off in the spring, and I'm excited... but oh was it overwhelming for a bit. I also babysit my nephew on the Wednesdays I'm not in therapy, and sometimes that falls the same day as National Beta.
Other things were happening as well. My body and brain were "done" with some of the medications I was on, but we didn't really know what to do. It made for a long spring and summer. Very little, outside of work, was being accomplished, including the garden. I was back in physical therapy, this time for tearing up my shoulder blade in some really bad dislocations. I also had to start IV saline to stay hyper-hydrated and keep the tachycardia at bay. I wanted to write, had TONS of ideas and many posts written in my mind, but could not mentally function enough to do most of it. Now it was my turn to make a visit to Neurology (with a side visit to GI because the gastroparesis side was in a flare.) Neurology was quickly alarmed by how my eyes were not focusing properly, I had a slight tremor, my responses were slower than before, and I was upset over the constant weight gain, no matter what I did. They said I needed to quickly be taken off of two medications - one which helped with nerve pain and the other with migraines, both which caused the weight gain. We found a derivative of the migraine one to replace, but the nerve pain one just needed to be gone. The switch was made (with only two mini-neurological events, praise God!)
And I came alive again! Just like that. Boom. Yes, the nerve pain is a bit worse now, but I'll take it. My brain is no longer moving in slow motion. Creativity is back, so is ambition. I finished my second novel in record-breaking time, some days getting 10-12 pages finished. After four years of struggle, it was an amazing experience. We never realized how badly the brain side-effects had been! I re-edited novel 1 "Midnight to Morning" and re-released it. "Sunrise to Shadows" came out just 12 days ago, right in time for Christmas! I jumped right into writing book 3, because these characters will not be quiet, and my brain is letting me work. My job, which I had been struggling with since August, started becoming easier again (though I was appalled at the mistakes found during those months.) Despite the expected decline Ehlers-Danlos is causing physically, my brain is awake, active, and needing constant engagement once more. I'm loving it! Therapy has been helping get the emotions back under control and providing me with resources to work through problems as they arise.
I ended 2017 on a high note. It has been a mind-boggling year!
Owen's finally seeking professional help again started to make a change. He was slowly coming out of all of the negatives, especially after being put back on the one depression medication. He's back working on his HAM radios and is talking about getting back into woodworking. While his job is still a major trigger, he's learning how to work with it. In April, I joined him in seeking counseling. Every other Wednesday, we drive down to UVA Behavioral Medicine together and go to our separate therapists. While couples counseling still really needs to happen, we've had trouble with finding someone who takes our insurance and also can work around my complex schedule.
That is because, in May, I was given a big promotion at work. I now don't just advise/manage 30 students, I also run our schools new community service and community involvement initiative. That meant researching and developing ways to bring more student and parent interactions to Bridgeway Homeschool Academy. The first step was making online clubs. I now spend every Tuesday running two Minecraft clubs for middle and high school students, and the 2nd and 4th Wednesday is managing our National Beta Honor Society club. There are also book clubs, which others are leading. It's been a great boost! Phase two will be kicking off in the spring, and I'm excited... but oh was it overwhelming for a bit. I also babysit my nephew on the Wednesdays I'm not in therapy, and sometimes that falls the same day as National Beta.
Other things were happening as well. My body and brain were "done" with some of the medications I was on, but we didn't really know what to do. It made for a long spring and summer. Very little, outside of work, was being accomplished, including the garden. I was back in physical therapy, this time for tearing up my shoulder blade in some really bad dislocations. I also had to start IV saline to stay hyper-hydrated and keep the tachycardia at bay. I wanted to write, had TONS of ideas and many posts written in my mind, but could not mentally function enough to do most of it. Now it was my turn to make a visit to Neurology (with a side visit to GI because the gastroparesis side was in a flare.) Neurology was quickly alarmed by how my eyes were not focusing properly, I had a slight tremor, my responses were slower than before, and I was upset over the constant weight gain, no matter what I did. They said I needed to quickly be taken off of two medications - one which helped with nerve pain and the other with migraines, both which caused the weight gain. We found a derivative of the migraine one to replace, but the nerve pain one just needed to be gone. The switch was made (with only two mini-neurological events, praise God!)
And I came alive again! Just like that. Boom. Yes, the nerve pain is a bit worse now, but I'll take it. My brain is no longer moving in slow motion. Creativity is back, so is ambition. I finished my second novel in record-breaking time, some days getting 10-12 pages finished. After four years of struggle, it was an amazing experience. We never realized how badly the brain side-effects had been! I re-edited novel 1 "Midnight to Morning" and re-released it. "Sunrise to Shadows" came out just 12 days ago, right in time for Christmas! I jumped right into writing book 3, because these characters will not be quiet, and my brain is letting me work. My job, which I had been struggling with since August, started becoming easier again (though I was appalled at the mistakes found during those months.) Despite the expected decline Ehlers-Danlos is causing physically, my brain is awake, active, and needing constant engagement once more. I'm loving it! Therapy has been helping get the emotions back under control and providing me with resources to work through problems as they arise.
I ended 2017 on a high note. It has been a mind-boggling year!
Sunday, January 29, 2017
On MDD and Marriage
This is going to be one of the most gut-wrenching posts I've made yet. Honestly, if this gets published, it is a serious act of bravery (or stupidity) happening. Maybe it will just be shared among a few close friends, maybe the link will show in Facebook. I'm not sure yet.
Owen has a mental illness. It is tearing us up. I am not strong enough. I'm lost as to how to help him anymore. It is a demon, a curse, a chemical imbalance combined with brain damage which has made home life so very difficult. I'm scared we won't make it. There. I said it.
Major Depressive Disorder with Social Anxiety Disorder came formally into our lives about five years ago. Owen was working in an abusive environment, and we thought the change in his behavior was due to that. Only, when he switched jobs it stayed and then progressed even more. I saw the man I love start to lose interest in things he once loved. Hobbies he had just started to thrive in were left to gather dust. Our conversations grew shorter as I spent more hours looking at the side of his head as he was more and more lost in his own sad world. Engaging him in meaningful conversations were constantly turning into disasters with his tone showing strain, voice louder, going from calm to rage in an instant. It was like living with a hurricane whilst being on a roller coaster. It was frightening and I wasn't sure what to do. It took a member of his family committing suicide, and Owen asking me to remove the guns from our house, before he first sought help. Medications were tried and failed. More were tried and we had some successes. For a time, he had a great psychiatrist who engaged him in behavior therapy as well. Then the psychiatrist left, his neurological issues became more prominent, and this new crisis became the focus. The new psychiatrist was an idiot who didn't understand the part PKU and brain damage played in his disorder.
It took us two long and painful years (and threats to contact patient advocacy groups) before a referral was made to neurology. By then, Owen couldn't walk without stomping, shook constantly, had horrible vocabulary aphasia and could barely work. Dopamine Reactive Dystonia (otherwise known as PKU Parkinsonism) was diagnosed, and Owen was put on dopamine. Feeling great again, he jumped back into HAM radio and quit his medication for the depression. At first it was okay enough, but he quickly regressed. This time, though, it was different. He was coming home from work, barely speaking, going to the computer, and I wouldn't see him until dinner. Even then, he'd engage for a few minutes only and then be back in his own sad world. I made attempt after attempt to get him to spend more time outside of it. This time, he'd act like there was no attention span. More than one direction or comment at a time and he'd get flustered and shut down. If I was too long in answering, moving, giving a next step, he'd get frustrated and shut down. He'd start to work on a basic task and if one thing went wrong, or I didn't fly to his side when he called for assistance, he'd shut down. He started blaming everything that happened on everyone and everything else. Over the past months an obstinate streak has started, and I have no idea how to handle any of it.
I've tried so many different ways to work around these things, but to no avail. He was insistent that it was ADD or maybe his thyroid or his PHE levels from the PKU (he has a wide selection of low phe foods to eat in this house at all times. I make much of it from scratch... yet he cannot "be bothered" with microwaving it.) I've heard that because I did something x years ago and it damaged him for life (the offense varies with whatever is currently setting him off) or someone said something ten years ago and he never could get past it. He'd say I didn't put the laptop away enough to spend time with him, even when I'd stop everything I was doing to sit next to him while he was at his computer or put my arms around him there and try to engage him in conversation, or I've kept it closed while we watched a show so he could curl up with his head on my lap. It was a cut on his finger which stopped all assistance in the house for a week. A small foot issue kept him freaked out and at the computer only for three months (recall I function with daily severe pain, dislocations and a heart condition... but, as he says, I'm "used to it.") Anyways, the story changes constantly. He'd change his mind or retell a story differently just to be the opposite, make it sound like I was lying, leave in the middle of conversations, or go to bed because he didn't get his way in something. The subject for digging in his feet changed constantly. I never knew what was coming through the door.
After speaking with genetics again (and going to patient advocates over the same dawdling by them) Owen had a neuro-psych evaluation in November. It isn't ADD. It is not his thyroid. It isn't even the Dopamine Reactive Dystonia... all of this is from the mental illness Major Depressive Disorder. This Wednesday he starts intensive behavioral therapy. If we can get psychiatry to call back (one referral Dec 26th and 3 follow up calls later and still no appointment) he is to start back there with a proper doctor and not a resident. They also recommended couples counseling. Owen told them I take the brunt of everything and shouldn't. We need that counselling...
Because I'm broken. I'm confused. I'm out of ideas. I'm about to collapse under the strain of what mental illness has done to us. Nothing I do is helping make progress with Owen. If anything, it makes things worse. If I ignore the behaviors and focus on his needs, it isn't enough for him. If I try to talk him through an issue, he gets upset or shuts down. If I work day in and out, going above and beyond... still not enough. If I use half of my paycheck on keeping a house cleaner because the state of the house is a trigger and I cannot keep up with it all, nope, still not enough because a scrap of food is on a plate or clothes are not folded. I'm going to the Lord in prayer constantly.
I miss Owen. I miss the man I married. I miss our conversations, our laughter, the hours cuddling, all of it. Can I continue here with the way he is now? Yes. I won't leave him. I'll fight with my dying breath to help him. I love him more now than ever, even with all of the pain and sorrow. It is so hard. So very hard. Yet, I hold out hope for the next phase in treating him, the next therapy, counselling, medication, whatever it takes. Even though it seems I can do nothing right, I must remember it is mostly the mental illness and not him. There is hope that, one day, we'll get this demon back in the box, and I'll once again see more glimpses of the man I know is still there. He'll get back into his hobbies. We will go back to more time together. One day, mental illness won't be tearing our marriage apart.
*Note* Please do not attack me or go telling family etc just because I've put this out there. Writing is how I survive. I have pages and pages of ramblings from these past five years. No one sees them. No one really knows. I'm tired of being in the dark, dragged along by what this disorder has done and wrote this out so those who I know love Owen and me so much can really know what is happening.*
Owen has a mental illness. It is tearing us up. I am not strong enough. I'm lost as to how to help him anymore. It is a demon, a curse, a chemical imbalance combined with brain damage which has made home life so very difficult. I'm scared we won't make it. There. I said it.
Major Depressive Disorder with Social Anxiety Disorder came formally into our lives about five years ago. Owen was working in an abusive environment, and we thought the change in his behavior was due to that. Only, when he switched jobs it stayed and then progressed even more. I saw the man I love start to lose interest in things he once loved. Hobbies he had just started to thrive in were left to gather dust. Our conversations grew shorter as I spent more hours looking at the side of his head as he was more and more lost in his own sad world. Engaging him in meaningful conversations were constantly turning into disasters with his tone showing strain, voice louder, going from calm to rage in an instant. It was like living with a hurricane whilst being on a roller coaster. It was frightening and I wasn't sure what to do. It took a member of his family committing suicide, and Owen asking me to remove the guns from our house, before he first sought help. Medications were tried and failed. More were tried and we had some successes. For a time, he had a great psychiatrist who engaged him in behavior therapy as well. Then the psychiatrist left, his neurological issues became more prominent, and this new crisis became the focus. The new psychiatrist was an idiot who didn't understand the part PKU and brain damage played in his disorder.
It took us two long and painful years (and threats to contact patient advocacy groups) before a referral was made to neurology. By then, Owen couldn't walk without stomping, shook constantly, had horrible vocabulary aphasia and could barely work. Dopamine Reactive Dystonia (otherwise known as PKU Parkinsonism) was diagnosed, and Owen was put on dopamine. Feeling great again, he jumped back into HAM radio and quit his medication for the depression. At first it was okay enough, but he quickly regressed. This time, though, it was different. He was coming home from work, barely speaking, going to the computer, and I wouldn't see him until dinner. Even then, he'd engage for a few minutes only and then be back in his own sad world. I made attempt after attempt to get him to spend more time outside of it. This time, he'd act like there was no attention span. More than one direction or comment at a time and he'd get flustered and shut down. If I was too long in answering, moving, giving a next step, he'd get frustrated and shut down. He'd start to work on a basic task and if one thing went wrong, or I didn't fly to his side when he called for assistance, he'd shut down. He started blaming everything that happened on everyone and everything else. Over the past months an obstinate streak has started, and I have no idea how to handle any of it.
I've tried so many different ways to work around these things, but to no avail. He was insistent that it was ADD or maybe his thyroid or his PHE levels from the PKU (he has a wide selection of low phe foods to eat in this house at all times. I make much of it from scratch... yet he cannot "be bothered" with microwaving it.) I've heard that because I did something x years ago and it damaged him for life (the offense varies with whatever is currently setting him off) or someone said something ten years ago and he never could get past it. He'd say I didn't put the laptop away enough to spend time with him, even when I'd stop everything I was doing to sit next to him while he was at his computer or put my arms around him there and try to engage him in conversation, or I've kept it closed while we watched a show so he could curl up with his head on my lap. It was a cut on his finger which stopped all assistance in the house for a week. A small foot issue kept him freaked out and at the computer only for three months (recall I function with daily severe pain, dislocations and a heart condition... but, as he says, I'm "used to it.") Anyways, the story changes constantly. He'd change his mind or retell a story differently just to be the opposite, make it sound like I was lying, leave in the middle of conversations, or go to bed because he didn't get his way in something. The subject for digging in his feet changed constantly. I never knew what was coming through the door.
After speaking with genetics again (and going to patient advocates over the same dawdling by them) Owen had a neuro-psych evaluation in November. It isn't ADD. It is not his thyroid. It isn't even the Dopamine Reactive Dystonia... all of this is from the mental illness Major Depressive Disorder. This Wednesday he starts intensive behavioral therapy. If we can get psychiatry to call back (one referral Dec 26th and 3 follow up calls later and still no appointment) he is to start back there with a proper doctor and not a resident. They also recommended couples counseling. Owen told them I take the brunt of everything and shouldn't. We need that counselling...
Because I'm broken. I'm confused. I'm out of ideas. I'm about to collapse under the strain of what mental illness has done to us. Nothing I do is helping make progress with Owen. If anything, it makes things worse. If I ignore the behaviors and focus on his needs, it isn't enough for him. If I try to talk him through an issue, he gets upset or shuts down. If I work day in and out, going above and beyond... still not enough. If I use half of my paycheck on keeping a house cleaner because the state of the house is a trigger and I cannot keep up with it all, nope, still not enough because a scrap of food is on a plate or clothes are not folded. I'm going to the Lord in prayer constantly.
I miss Owen. I miss the man I married. I miss our conversations, our laughter, the hours cuddling, all of it. Can I continue here with the way he is now? Yes. I won't leave him. I'll fight with my dying breath to help him. I love him more now than ever, even with all of the pain and sorrow. It is so hard. So very hard. Yet, I hold out hope for the next phase in treating him, the next therapy, counselling, medication, whatever it takes. Even though it seems I can do nothing right, I must remember it is mostly the mental illness and not him. There is hope that, one day, we'll get this demon back in the box, and I'll once again see more glimpses of the man I know is still there. He'll get back into his hobbies. We will go back to more time together. One day, mental illness won't be tearing our marriage apart.
*Note* Please do not attack me or go telling family etc just because I've put this out there. Writing is how I survive. I have pages and pages of ramblings from these past five years. No one sees them. No one really knows. I'm tired of being in the dark, dragged along by what this disorder has done and wrote this out so those who I know love Owen and me so much can really know what is happening.*
Friday, December 16, 2016
On Another Year Racing By (The 2016 Christmas Letter)
There have been so many times I've sat on this blog page with something to write about, thoughts to put into words for anyone to see, then backed away and written them in a digital journal I've kept. It is my hope to soon move those thoughts over here. In the meantime, we never did get that dying printer replaced. It works for a needed page or two, but it wouldn't handle the 60 sheets of the Christmas letter, so once more it is in digital format.
My Beloved Family and Friends,
Another year has raced by. It seems only three months ago we were moving into January 2016, yet now here we are staring down 2017. I hope this letter finds you all well and happy. As usual, it has been a busy year here on the homestead, just not in the way we had anticipated.
The year started with Owen finally having a much needed neurological evaluation. Not surprisingly as, he had the shakes, vocabulary aphasia and the stiff walk and stomp of feet hitting the ground flat. We left with a "hold over" diagnosis of Dompamine Reactive Dystonia and a warning that it could be changed to something scarier. Owen responded instantly to being on dopamine and, for awhile, seemed to be on the up and up. He also moved from the job at the county to working as a System Admin for the town of Culpeper. It was a much needed change. He's still into HAM radio and online gaming, despite the challenges, and I'm happy he has those hobbies.
We were able to get the garden started on time, spent a great weekend with our awesome friend and "adopted" brother Alex when he got back from deployment and prepared for a spring and summer of travel and projects being completed on the property. We went to Ohio again to HamVention (Amateur Radio convention) and made a couple of day trips to visit friends out there. We love camping!
That strong start skidded to a halt when my already problematic right knee took a turn down the "dislocate daily" route. Before much longer, surgery was recommended, then scheduled. We had a short period of time to decide what to plant, what to leave out, and for me to teach Owen what to weed, what to harvest and other tasks. We managed to get the more dangerous trees taken down and the new HVAC put in beforehand. On July 21st (yes our 9 year wedding anniversary) I went in for a knee repair/reconstruct. The surgeon wasn't sure what he was going to find once in, so was prepared for everything - including a possible knee replacement. Thankfully, I woke up with the knee realigned, scar tissue removed, debris cleared out, and a donated tendon. Recovery went really smoothly, and I was back up and better than before within about 8 weeks - which is really unusual for an Ehlers-Danlos patient, but that donated tendon made all the difference. I was active in time for harvest and
preserving and we put up enough sauce, ketchup, salsa, green beans, corn, beets and dried beans for the year. I still work for Bridgeway Homeschool Academy and love it there! This July will be 5 years with the company. I'm also still sewing and quilting every chance I get. The picture to the right is one I made for my mom. I'm also back to writing again, and that means the 18 month long writers block for Sunrise to Shadows is over and I'm making huge gains on it (despite losing the ending and having to write it over again.) I'll be doing a new editing for Midnight to Morning, then re-releasing that shortly before Sunrise comes out. I'm looking for a good editor and someone to do the cover art right now.
As I was getting better, Owen was starting to get worse again. We were not sure what was really going on, but the decision was made to get him completely evaluated for Neuro-Psych for those more dangerous diagnosis. That just happened and we left with a totally different and completely unexpected diagnosis than what we had been expecting. We've made the best of it and continue to push through the various challenges a couple living with genetic disorders can have.
At the end of October, we became a household of three, as my goddaughter, Amber, moved in with us. She is trying to get her life back on track and has started to do so by leaving NJ and all of the bad which happened there and seeking help here in VA. She's been doing really well with getting a job right away, working on saving for various things, paying bills, going to therapy and helping us out around the house. At times it is exhausting, especially with driving her around everywhere, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I love having her here! Alex visited us in November and everyone pitched in to get the last of the raised beds rebuilt with cinder block and vole fencing. This makes nearly the entire garden accessible to me once more.
Ginger and Hobo dog are still doing well. Hobo is starting to show his age a bit more, but he's still the biggest sweetheart of a wiggle-butt. We've had to put him on a zip
line run this year, because he is losing some of his sight, and I don't want to risk him going off on one of his "gotta mark the neighborhood" wanderings. Ginger is my shadow and cuddle pup. She responds to "Where is my space heater?" and "Hey, cuddle pup!" She is quick to take Owen's place on the bed as soon as he gets up - sprawling out to lay alongside me and doing her little Aussie Cattledog grunts to show she's content there. She adores Owen and loves to curl up on his lap, even though she overflows it. She has been known to try to sneak into Ambers room too and insists on going outside with her to "protect" Amber. Erwin is now 15 and a half and going strong. The little twiddle bird gave me a scare earlier in the year, but has rebounded. He likes dancing to Amber's choice of music and being a little clown. Fledgeling is his normal adorable self, always giving me heart-wings and kisses and talking only when he thinks someone isn't listening. He is totally a mommy's
baby.
Our hope for 2017 is progress in managing the health issues. We also are hoping to go to Wales for our 10 year wedding anniversary. For the homestead, getting the driveway repaired, putting up the fence, and putting pavers around the garden are the goals. When it comes to family, we want to spend as much time with my infant nephew as possible (the baby Adam and Mysti are adopting) making better connections with Owens family, and take a trip to NJ where Owen can come too. We shall see! It is a crazy life we live, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
My Beloved Family and Friends,
Another year has raced by. It seems only three months ago we were moving into January 2016, yet now here we are staring down 2017. I hope this letter finds you all well and happy. As usual, it has been a busy year here on the homestead, just not in the way we had anticipated.The year started with Owen finally having a much needed neurological evaluation. Not surprisingly as, he had the shakes, vocabulary aphasia and the stiff walk and stomp of feet hitting the ground flat. We left with a "hold over" diagnosis of Dompamine Reactive Dystonia and a warning that it could be changed to something scarier. Owen responded instantly to being on dopamine and, for awhile, seemed to be on the up and up. He also moved from the job at the county to working as a System Admin for the town of Culpeper. It was a much needed change. He's still into HAM radio and online gaming, despite the challenges, and I'm happy he has those hobbies.
We were able to get the garden started on time, spent a great weekend with our awesome friend and "adopted" brother Alex when he got back from deployment and prepared for a spring and summer of travel and projects being completed on the property. We went to Ohio again to HamVention (Amateur Radio convention) and made a couple of day trips to visit friends out there. We love camping!
That strong start skidded to a halt when my already problematic right knee took a turn down the "dislocate daily" route. Before much longer, surgery was recommended, then scheduled. We had a short period of time to decide what to plant, what to leave out, and for me to teach Owen what to weed, what to harvest and other tasks. We managed to get the more dangerous trees taken down and the new HVAC put in beforehand. On July 21st (yes our 9 year wedding anniversary) I went in for a knee repair/reconstruct. The surgeon wasn't sure what he was going to find once in, so was prepared for everything - including a possible knee replacement. Thankfully, I woke up with the knee realigned, scar tissue removed, debris cleared out, and a donated tendon. Recovery went really smoothly, and I was back up and better than before within about 8 weeks - which is really unusual for an Ehlers-Danlos patient, but that donated tendon made all the difference. I was active in time for harvest and 
preserving and we put up enough sauce, ketchup, salsa, green beans, corn, beets and dried beans for the year. I still work for Bridgeway Homeschool Academy and love it there! This July will be 5 years with the company. I'm also still sewing and quilting every chance I get. The picture to the right is one I made for my mom. I'm also back to writing again, and that means the 18 month long writers block for Sunrise to Shadows is over and I'm making huge gains on it (despite losing the ending and having to write it over again.) I'll be doing a new editing for Midnight to Morning, then re-releasing that shortly before Sunrise comes out. I'm looking for a good editor and someone to do the cover art right now.As I was getting better, Owen was starting to get worse again. We were not sure what was really going on, but the decision was made to get him completely evaluated for Neuro-Psych for those more dangerous diagnosis. That just happened and we left with a totally different and completely unexpected diagnosis than what we had been expecting. We've made the best of it and continue to push through the various challenges a couple living with genetic disorders can have.
Ginger and Hobo dog are still doing well. Hobo is starting to show his age a bit more, but he's still the biggest sweetheart of a wiggle-butt. We've had to put him on a zip
Our hope for 2017 is progress in managing the health issues. We also are hoping to go to Wales for our 10 year wedding anniversary. For the homestead, getting the driveway repaired, putting up the fence, and putting pavers around the garden are the goals. When it comes to family, we want to spend as much time with my infant nephew as possible (the baby Adam and Mysti are adopting) making better connections with Owens family, and take a trip to NJ where Owen can come too. We shall see! It is a crazy life we live, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
The 2015 Christmas Letter
** Our printer decided it wanted to start its death throws as I was getting ready to print this letter**
Dear Family and Friends,
Here we are staring down 2016 already. This year has, again, flown by. I hope that it has been a positive and healthy one for you all. Everyone reading this means very much to us, so we
have been praying for you all.
This year started out as a positive note. Owen and I were doing well, as were our fur and feathered babies and our family. We had our dear friend (adopted sibling really) Alex up at the first of the year. He helped Owen take apart and rebuild 3 of our raised garden beds with cinder block. This made it higher, sturdier and easier for me to use. I wasn't having to bend over as much for our shorter crops or weeding. They also installed vole fencing so I was able to grow root veggies again. Between that and the greenhouse my parents bought for my birthday... well... From the picture below you can see that was quite a success! We had so many beets and sweet potatoes and tomatoes.
In May, Owen and I went out to Ohio again for Hamvention, the international amateur radio event. I was dealing with a sore hip and foot, but managed to walk through a good chunk of it. The second day, Owen went alone while I visited close friends. It was after we returned that I noticed something was "not right." That continued into the end of May when we had the 100th anniversary of my moms moms side of the family coming to America. The original farm is still in the family and we had one amazing celebration!
From there I went to graduation at Bridgeway Academy, as several favorite students were graduating. I ended up in bad shape and barely made the drive home. We found out a week later that the heart issue I was having was much worse than expected. Dysautonomia is nothing to shrug off, espeically with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and my heart was "struggling" and "was out of reserves" and I heard "you are a lot more sick than you think" a lot in the month that followed. Thankfully, I responded to a medication currently on FDA trial to be "on label" for such a condition. Now is the long, and very hard, process of regaining strength. I no sooner had turned a good corner when that "sore foot" became a "fall and fracture said foot." Months in a stirrup brace and home exercises did nothing. A trip to the foot/ankle surgeon led to learning of a bigger problem. I get to spend the next 5-6 months in intensive physical therapy to work on the foot all the way up to the hip. Surgery will happen if that fails. Along the way, the garden was neglected a bit and I never did get my winter crops going in the greenhouse. Hoping to still do that and catch up on winterizing. On the positive, I have really gotten into sewing and am starting to sell the items I make in craft shows, going beyond the just for friends and family. It has been a great experience! Especially since an issue with disability left my payments on suspension and us in a financial bind. It has been a lesson is leaning on God and how He provides.
Owen has had a roller coaster of a year. He continues to work for Culpeper County Human Services, but is on the lookout for a new job. He has completed his goals for the organization and would leave them in a much much better shape than when he arrived. We are hoping for a few options he has to become a reality in form of a better position. In the meantime, he continues to be big into the Amateur Radio world, and we have 2 antennas in the yard and a handheld device on almost every day to prove it. He's been out helping others with their set ups and soon we will be installing a massive tower in the back yard (soon as in after a few trees come down first.) He has had struggles with the PKU and we are seeing some of the brain damage manifest in upsetting ways. He will be seeing a neurologist soon and we hope for a better path to help him from there. In the meantime, we are enjoying time together, movies, watching Scifi series, and our fur and feather kids.
We did suffer the loss of our beloved Aspen back in early July. He fought for as long as he could, but old age and end-stage kidney disease took its toll. Though we had hoped and prayed he would go peacefully in his sleep here at home, we ended up having to escort him over Rainbow Bridge. I spent 14.5 years out of his 15.5 years with him and it hit harder than any loss I have experienced in a long time. With loss comes rebirth and we inherited Ginger. She was my cousin Bill's dog. When he died suddenly, she became ours. She is the most amazing little girl. Ginger is very empathic and has a gently spirit. She is a typical Aussie cattle dog and very possessive of Owen and myself. She is bonded to me for sure. Just as I lost my "boy" I gained my "little girl." In the spring she will be undergoing training to be a hospital therapy dog. Hobo, Erwin and Fledge continue to thrive.
As you can see, it has been a roller coaster.. more than the usual mess two people with chronic genetic conditions have on average that is. Through it all, we remain strong in our love and our faith continues to grow. Our local and online friends and our family are our lifeline and we love and appreciate all of you. Here is to a better 2016!
Dear Family and Friends,
Here we are staring down 2016 already. This year has, again, flown by. I hope that it has been a positive and healthy one for you all. Everyone reading this means very much to us, so we
This year started out as a positive note. Owen and I were doing well, as were our fur and feathered babies and our family. We had our dear friend (adopted sibling really) Alex up at the first of the year. He helped Owen take apart and rebuild 3 of our raised garden beds with cinder block. This made it higher, sturdier and easier for me to use. I wasn't having to bend over as much for our shorter crops or weeding. They also installed vole fencing so I was able to grow root veggies again. Between that and the greenhouse my parents bought for my birthday... well... From the picture below you can see that was quite a success! We had so many beets and sweet potatoes and tomatoes.
From there I went to graduation at Bridgeway Academy, as several favorite students were graduating. I ended up in bad shape and barely made the drive home. We found out a week later that the heart issue I was having was much worse than expected. Dysautonomia is nothing to shrug off, espeically with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and my heart was "struggling" and "was out of reserves" and I heard "you are a lot more sick than you think" a lot in the month that followed. Thankfully, I responded to a medication currently on FDA trial to be "on label" for such a condition. Now is the long, and very hard, process of regaining strength. I no sooner had turned a good corner when that "sore foot" became a "fall and fracture said foot." Months in a stirrup brace and home exercises did nothing. A trip to the foot/ankle surgeon led to learning of a bigger problem. I get to spend the next 5-6 months in intensive physical therapy to work on the foot all the way up to the hip. Surgery will happen if that fails. Along the way, the garden was neglected a bit and I never did get my winter crops going in the greenhouse. Hoping to still do that and catch up on winterizing. On the positive, I have really gotten into sewing and am starting to sell the items I make in craft shows, going beyond the just for friends and family. It has been a great experience! Especially since an issue with disability left my payments on suspension and us in a financial bind. It has been a lesson is leaning on God and how He provides.
Owen has had a roller coaster of a year. He continues to work for Culpeper County Human Services, but is on the lookout for a new job. He has completed his goals for the organization and would leave them in a much much better shape than when he arrived. We are hoping for a few options he has to become a reality in form of a better position. In the meantime, he continues to be big into the Amateur Radio world, and we have 2 antennas in the yard and a handheld device on almost every day to prove it. He's been out helping others with their set ups and soon we will be installing a massive tower in the back yard (soon as in after a few trees come down first.) He has had struggles with the PKU and we are seeing some of the brain damage manifest in upsetting ways. He will be seeing a neurologist soon and we hope for a better path to help him from there. In the meantime, we are enjoying time together, movies, watching Scifi series, and our fur and feather kids.
We did suffer the loss of our beloved Aspen back in early July. He fought for as long as he could, but old age and end-stage kidney disease took its toll. Though we had hoped and prayed he would go peacefully in his sleep here at home, we ended up having to escort him over Rainbow Bridge. I spent 14.5 years out of his 15.5 years with him and it hit harder than any loss I have experienced in a long time. With loss comes rebirth and we inherited Ginger. She was my cousin Bill's dog. When he died suddenly, she became ours. She is the most amazing little girl. Ginger is very empathic and has a gently spirit. She is a typical Aussie cattle dog and very possessive of Owen and myself. She is bonded to me for sure. Just as I lost my "boy" I gained my "little girl." In the spring she will be undergoing training to be a hospital therapy dog. Hobo, Erwin and Fledge continue to thrive.
As you can see, it has been a roller coaster.. more than the usual mess two people with chronic genetic conditions have on average that is. Through it all, we remain strong in our love and our faith continues to grow. Our local and online friends and our family are our lifeline and we love and appreciate all of you. Here is to a better 2016!
Saturday, June 20, 2015
On not being a coward anymore
The first song has been in my mind most of the evening. What about the Love? Where is it when we condemn those who sin just like we do but who used to have to live in shadows, kept hidden from our society?
We know what it feels like, as God has been taken out of so much. Yet right now we don't have to hide, we have that freedom still (though it is threatened), and we are just as lost as they are. Our hypocrisy is right there for all to see, our hatred, just because you can now see them being supported. We are digging a deeper hole that very well could lead to us being forced into hiding (like in other countries), as the world sees us more and more for our despise and not for our Love. No wonder we are being persecuted here in America. No wonder people are fighting to remove anything that has to do with God from schools and businesses. We've made a mess of things and now God is being removed from the public. We know what it means to fight for a basic right, and we've forgotten that so many in other countries have it much worse when it comes to being a Christian. So when we see someone fighting for the same thing, to be allowed out of the shadows, out of the basement of society, why are we kicking them back into hiding? If they see our love, they won't be as likely to join those trying to take Christianity out of America. If you want to bring morals and values back to our country, you are not going to succeed until you go among those who have threatened it and use God's love to guide them onto a better track.
Didn't we go through this last generation? Did we forget already how wrong they were?
I used to think like other Christians did, that these people really can cure themselves - until I noticed tendencies in the preschools my mom worked in, with their parents going "no, you want to play with the cars and not the dolls. (or the other way around.) I followed them as they grew and the feelings never changed, but their pain grew worse because they knew what was coming - being kicked out of clubs, kicked out of youth group, some were kicked out of their own homes. I have had too many friends, as well as current and former students, who have had those who mean the most in their lives turn their back on them when that support is needed the most. They cry out because they cannot help how they are. They've tried to be how their families expected them to be. Some have prayed for years to be "fixed." These are people, hurting, people like you and me. But we have Hope. We are to be light, welcome them into it, show them the Love of our Lord Jesus. Does it mean you have to accept their way of life? No! It just means you accept them as a person who wants to not have to hide. A person who hurts and needs God's love and to know that God accepts them - they are just like us... broken. You might not be able to change who they are, but you can change where they are going now and after death. And bit by bit we can bring America back.
There is so much "boycott this because of an image, write to x because of it." If life was being lost (abortion) or we are losing a vital right, sure I am going to speak up! If you don't like the content of a commercial, mute it and walk away. An ad in a magazine? You can turn the page. Denying your spouse or child something to help them because the main company has one of those ads? It comes across as petty.
I understand fully what some of the fuss is about, but honestly don't get the constant whining over the rest of it. I just see people who have been trampled on and who now are grouping up to be lifted. Of course, there are extremists who are purposely finding businesses to sue. There are extremists on "our side" too (Westboro comes to mind.) What there needs to be is more of God's love. It takes strength to provide it, to not look down. It takes wisdom to look through the Bible and see what no longer has to exist, to see what Christ wanted of us, to not take a single line of a verse and use it without seeing the whole picture.
I expect a shorter "friends" list after this post, but I have been getting aggravated by what I've seen by so many other Christians here and I got tired of hiding how I feel. I got tired of being a coward and feeling ashamed every time I was hanging around my bisexual best friend. I lean on Christ every day to get me through. "I Need Thee Every Hour," that song is my mantra. I prayed about this post, thought long about it, asked God to put in my heart what to say. His answer was "What About the Love" and oh did we have a conversation about this while I was sewing. Wrote this hours before it was posted, going over it with Owen, walking off and coming back to it. What you read is basically His answers to my questions.
#loveoneanother, #AllSinIsEqual, #realChristians, #LoveisaVerb, #LoveWins
We know what it feels like, as God has been taken out of so much. Yet right now we don't have to hide, we have that freedom still (though it is threatened), and we are just as lost as they are. Our hypocrisy is right there for all to see, our hatred, just because you can now see them being supported. We are digging a deeper hole that very well could lead to us being forced into hiding (like in other countries), as the world sees us more and more for our despise and not for our Love. No wonder we are being persecuted here in America. No wonder people are fighting to remove anything that has to do with God from schools and businesses. We've made a mess of things and now God is being removed from the public. We know what it means to fight for a basic right, and we've forgotten that so many in other countries have it much worse when it comes to being a Christian. So when we see someone fighting for the same thing, to be allowed out of the shadows, out of the basement of society, why are we kicking them back into hiding? If they see our love, they won't be as likely to join those trying to take Christianity out of America. If you want to bring morals and values back to our country, you are not going to succeed until you go among those who have threatened it and use God's love to guide them onto a better track.
Didn't we go through this last generation? Did we forget already how wrong they were?
I used to think like other Christians did, that these people really can cure themselves - until I noticed tendencies in the preschools my mom worked in, with their parents going "no, you want to play with the cars and not the dolls. (or the other way around.) I followed them as they grew and the feelings never changed, but their pain grew worse because they knew what was coming - being kicked out of clubs, kicked out of youth group, some were kicked out of their own homes. I have had too many friends, as well as current and former students, who have had those who mean the most in their lives turn their back on them when that support is needed the most. They cry out because they cannot help how they are. They've tried to be how their families expected them to be. Some have prayed for years to be "fixed." These are people, hurting, people like you and me. But we have Hope. We are to be light, welcome them into it, show them the Love of our Lord Jesus. Does it mean you have to accept their way of life? No! It just means you accept them as a person who wants to not have to hide. A person who hurts and needs God's love and to know that God accepts them - they are just like us... broken. You might not be able to change who they are, but you can change where they are going now and after death. And bit by bit we can bring America back.
There is so much "boycott this because of an image, write to x because of it." If life was being lost (abortion) or we are losing a vital right, sure I am going to speak up! If you don't like the content of a commercial, mute it and walk away. An ad in a magazine? You can turn the page. Denying your spouse or child something to help them because the main company has one of those ads? It comes across as petty.
I understand fully what some of the fuss is about, but honestly don't get the constant whining over the rest of it. I just see people who have been trampled on and who now are grouping up to be lifted. Of course, there are extremists who are purposely finding businesses to sue. There are extremists on "our side" too (Westboro comes to mind.) What there needs to be is more of God's love. It takes strength to provide it, to not look down. It takes wisdom to look through the Bible and see what no longer has to exist, to see what Christ wanted of us, to not take a single line of a verse and use it without seeing the whole picture.
I expect a shorter "friends" list after this post, but I have been getting aggravated by what I've seen by so many other Christians here and I got tired of hiding how I feel. I got tired of being a coward and feeling ashamed every time I was hanging around my bisexual best friend. I lean on Christ every day to get me through. "I Need Thee Every Hour," that song is my mantra. I prayed about this post, thought long about it, asked God to put in my heart what to say. His answer was "What About the Love" and oh did we have a conversation about this while I was sewing. Wrote this hours before it was posted, going over it with Owen, walking off and coming back to it. What you read is basically His answers to my questions.
#loveoneanother, #AllSinIsEqual, #realChristians, #LoveisaVerb, #LoveWins
Monday, February 23, 2015
On Shadows and Shades
You saw it all over the place in the past months. People going back and forth on #pullingbacktheshades versus those who really cannot see 50 Shades of Grey for what it is - a book glorifying relationship violence and a controversial "lifestyle." I read a lot of these posts and their comments, shared a few, prayed a lot for the hearts of women and men to be protected if they did read the book or saw the movie. I heard of people coming out of the film almost in shock at the violence. Honestly, if it wasn't a rich person doing those acts, would people still be praising the story?
Time to get a bit personal. Eleven years ago I went through a divorce. I had been married for 3.5 years to a man I had been a relationship with for two years before that. While I knew he had bad traits and that I was "settling" and thinking he could improve, I was very... very wrong. Within 9 months he had me lying to everyone about what happened in that house, finances, with friends, all of it. He was a master of manipulation and knew just how to get me to return to him when I'd try to back away. When his "brother" moved in, I was already under the strain of the verbal and emotional abuse. He brought drugs into the house and I nearly lost my job and teaching license over it. Not that I could do anything about it, as he was already angry because I had been on antibiotics (making birth control less effective), he had assaulted me in a drug and alcohol filled moment, and I had become pregnant. Thankfully, I miscarried two weeks after we found out. When I stood up for myself and spoke back to him about the drugs, I spent three days locked in a room. My best friend flew out to Colorado right afterward and spent eight days pointing out all he was saying and doing. The blinders came off on day three. I left him four days after she went back to NJ.But it left me with flashbacks, nightmares of what he had done to me, the feeling that I had failed because I couldn't "fix" him- all of it...even though I had fledgling independence now. I submerged myself into music and books... unhealthy books at that. A year later, we moved back to the east coast. I was living in a camper on my brothers' property and had started through the Chronicles of Narnia and then the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. When I returned to my fantasy series, something snapped in my mind. I started to feel horrible, like my mind had been run through a mud puddle. I couldn't get scenes out of my head. Right then and there, I put the books down and never picked them back up again.
Fast forward to now. Much as I want to avoid the topic, the storm surrounding the release of the movie was in overdrive. Battle lines had been drawn for the minds and souls of women and men. It is kind of scary that, out here by UVA, we are in the middle of a storm over rape and the mistreatment of young women... yet there they are filling their minds with the most unhealthy concepts. I read one article where the woman went through the book, a woman with a story like mine, and found 50 scenes of abuse - all before she made it midway through the second book. She posted the sentences and surroundings. Just that article was enough to start the flashbacks over again. The scenes she posted burned into my mind and went on repeat. Reading the comments to her article, hundreds of women felt the same way.
It seeps into everything, you know? Everything. I am a gamer and I work very very hard to keep my guildmates safe. They chose me to be their leader. They entrust me with the stories and boundaries and I do all I can to not betray them. But this kind of evil runs far and wide. Let me set the stage: A young woman in a complicated relationship and a complex friendship has a visitor to where she lives. This visitor is a former instructor from when she was at a university. She trusts this woman, has listened to her in the past and knows the instructor cares about her. However, as they talk and the young woman tells her elder about her situation, the elder starts to make comments about darker ways to take control. She asks if sexually explicit actions have ever been taken, then says it is a shame and she was missing out on so much. The young woman isn't even sexually active with the two people she is discussing - but that doesn't seem to matter. The elder feels she needs to learn how to be more of a leader, to be more dominant and she knows just the way to do so. She encourages the young woman to stay near her for a time and "learn." Do you see where this is going? Right there, over the weekend, concepts which were in that book (bdsm) was spewed across digital text inside the safe environment I had worked so hard to build. Those two who were in this complex situation saw it, were in bits of the conversation, and we were shocked. Nothing is sacred. I had to dig in my heels, put the story on pause, and verbally make my point very very clear that this was forbidden. Oh, I was accused of so much... especially of not being "tolerant" or "open-minded." My guildmates were in shock over the whole thing. One became angry at me for salvaging the scene by using something the person said, in a different context, as a way to divert the conversation. Me? It did the same as before, just those concepts the elder brought forward to my young woman, the violence to "teach how to be dominant" burned into my mind. I shuddered.
How can we, Christian or not, keep ourselves - and those we hold dear - from abuse, being stalked, coerced to do what we don't want to if we keep glorifying it? How do you clear your mind after being exposed to something that makes you want to vomit? How can you undo damage after it has invaded a safe place you worked so hard to build? It is very hard, as I am learning.
#pullingbacktheshades, #roleplaysafety, #shadesofabuse,
Time to get a bit personal. Eleven years ago I went through a divorce. I had been married for 3.5 years to a man I had been a relationship with for two years before that. While I knew he had bad traits and that I was "settling" and thinking he could improve, I was very... very wrong. Within 9 months he had me lying to everyone about what happened in that house, finances, with friends, all of it. He was a master of manipulation and knew just how to get me to return to him when I'd try to back away. When his "brother" moved in, I was already under the strain of the verbal and emotional abuse. He brought drugs into the house and I nearly lost my job and teaching license over it. Not that I could do anything about it, as he was already angry because I had been on antibiotics (making birth control less effective), he had assaulted me in a drug and alcohol filled moment, and I had become pregnant. Thankfully, I miscarried two weeks after we found out. When I stood up for myself and spoke back to him about the drugs, I spent three days locked in a room. My best friend flew out to Colorado right afterward and spent eight days pointing out all he was saying and doing. The blinders came off on day three. I left him four days after she went back to NJ.But it left me with flashbacks, nightmares of what he had done to me, the feeling that I had failed because I couldn't "fix" him- all of it...even though I had fledgling independence now. I submerged myself into music and books... unhealthy books at that. A year later, we moved back to the east coast. I was living in a camper on my brothers' property and had started through the Chronicles of Narnia and then the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. When I returned to my fantasy series, something snapped in my mind. I started to feel horrible, like my mind had been run through a mud puddle. I couldn't get scenes out of my head. Right then and there, I put the books down and never picked them back up again.
Fast forward to now. Much as I want to avoid the topic, the storm surrounding the release of the movie was in overdrive. Battle lines had been drawn for the minds and souls of women and men. It is kind of scary that, out here by UVA, we are in the middle of a storm over rape and the mistreatment of young women... yet there they are filling their minds with the most unhealthy concepts. I read one article where the woman went through the book, a woman with a story like mine, and found 50 scenes of abuse - all before she made it midway through the second book. She posted the sentences and surroundings. Just that article was enough to start the flashbacks over again. The scenes she posted burned into my mind and went on repeat. Reading the comments to her article, hundreds of women felt the same way.
It seeps into everything, you know? Everything. I am a gamer and I work very very hard to keep my guildmates safe. They chose me to be their leader. They entrust me with the stories and boundaries and I do all I can to not betray them. But this kind of evil runs far and wide. Let me set the stage: A young woman in a complicated relationship and a complex friendship has a visitor to where she lives. This visitor is a former instructor from when she was at a university. She trusts this woman, has listened to her in the past and knows the instructor cares about her. However, as they talk and the young woman tells her elder about her situation, the elder starts to make comments about darker ways to take control. She asks if sexually explicit actions have ever been taken, then says it is a shame and she was missing out on so much. The young woman isn't even sexually active with the two people she is discussing - but that doesn't seem to matter. The elder feels she needs to learn how to be more of a leader, to be more dominant and she knows just the way to do so. She encourages the young woman to stay near her for a time and "learn." Do you see where this is going? Right there, over the weekend, concepts which were in that book (bdsm) was spewed across digital text inside the safe environment I had worked so hard to build. Those two who were in this complex situation saw it, were in bits of the conversation, and we were shocked. Nothing is sacred. I had to dig in my heels, put the story on pause, and verbally make my point very very clear that this was forbidden. Oh, I was accused of so much... especially of not being "tolerant" or "open-minded." My guildmates were in shock over the whole thing. One became angry at me for salvaging the scene by using something the person said, in a different context, as a way to divert the conversation. Me? It did the same as before, just those concepts the elder brought forward to my young woman, the violence to "teach how to be dominant" burned into my mind. I shuddered.
How can we, Christian or not, keep ourselves - and those we hold dear - from abuse, being stalked, coerced to do what we don't want to if we keep glorifying it? How do you clear your mind after being exposed to something that makes you want to vomit? How can you undo damage after it has invaded a safe place you worked so hard to build? It is very hard, as I am learning.
#pullingbacktheshades, #roleplaysafety, #shadesofabuse,
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