On Living

 I want to live.

It screams in my head all day and night.

I want to live.

Even knowing for 5 years now that I wasn't meant to make it past my 50's.

I want to live and prove the doctors wrong.

Now. Cancer. Rare triple negative variant.

Numbers like only 10% of breast cancer patients get it.

Survival rates are high if not in stage 4, though reoccurrence is just as high.

But I want to live.

This giver and helper, whom fights for others every day.

Locally, regionally, globally. With every breath I take.

It's a bad day if I've not helped at least one person.

Or made someone smile.

I want to live.

When every big positive moment is crushed by negatives just as big.

A perfect-for-me home in a cute little town. 

So excited to move and start anew after so much pain.

Triple-negative, stage three, cancer.

The new start starts with this stigma. Will they even care to know me for me?

But I want to live.

Getting to see friends and former co-workers at a luncheon. Leaving happy!

My truck and I were damaged on the way home from it.

These two latest examples in a line of so many it is overwhelming.

Any time something extraordinary, something positive happens.

Any time I tell people about these good things and allow the happiness to show

Every time it gets knocked away, stomped on, kicked apart, destroyed.

Yet I want to live.

Even if it is just for the little good things that happen versus the big.

Like making someone smile, or a moment of discovery in nature.

This giver and helper who races to help others

Who fights against a genetic nightmare so others can get better treatment.

This friend, niece, cousin, who drives my damaged body many hours north and south every year.

Who calls and messages long ahead of time to try to make plans because I love you all.

Who gets "call when you get here" when I'm not sure there will be time or energy.

Who knows I don't mean enough to any of you to do the same. 

No one ever visited me, and there was so much I wanted to show you!

No calls in between visits unless I made them to you.

Yet, I want to live.

The helper of helpless cases as my online friends call me.

But they know I'll jump in and be there at a moments notice.

Now begging, pleading, for help from those around me near and far.

First in the winter as my world of 15 years came apart.

When I had to rebuild, piece by small piece, into something better.

The silence, the lack of help, was intense then. 

The actions of someone I barely knew anymore put a roof over my head

So I can live.

Now, the silence, the lack of action, is intense once more.

I don't need  "You are so strong, brave, resilient."

I need rides to doctors or ways to pay for rides until the truck is fixed. 

There's not enough to cover sudden repairs and rentals on top of bills.

Not when one is in the government's tight fist due to disability.

And I want to live.

When treatment starts, it's going to be making sure I'm nourished.

Healthy delivered meals that are easy to heat and eat.

You ask how you can help. Or say you feel helpless and don't know what to do.

I put out what I need the most on social media, instant message. texts, calls.

Silence.

But I need to get to these things to live!

Don't you want me to? 

Or do you think my damaged existence and its bad luck has run its course?

I don't. I know there is more I was meant to do.

More I was meant to see. 

I want to live.

On Deconstructing Part One: The 14th and Women

*Note* This is a multi-part series that's taking days to maybe weeks to write. Currently, three parts are in mind: The Women, The Others, and then The One 

Oh! It's just turning over the ability to have an abortion over to the states again is all! I've heard it over and over. That and how precious all life is. Yes, all life is precious, very much so. 

But this ruling had only partly to do with abortion and the politicians who repeatedly deny support to the children and families once the babies are born or do anything substantial to make it easier to prevent the pregnancies to even begin with. It partly has to do with what happens next with those women and families to keep them controlled by certain factions. And, it has even more to do with the vagueness of the 14th and what is likely next.

In the end, it affects Everyone. 

The ruling blew the door open to everyone's privacy, autonomy, and basic rights. It says that, depending on the state you live in, you may not have any rights or have limited ones to plan a pregnancy. Your ability to handle a crisis pregnancy from rape or incest or carrying a child who will suffer before dying young in a state where that same party cries over the cost of the disabled is even more restricted or outright gone there. To prevent pregnancy in the first place is restricted and controlled by someone else totally disconnected and the other half of what it requires to get pregnant... the male... has nothing holding him back and even is supported with tons of options to make them want more sex. There's little consequence to them when the pregnancy happens, though, and lots of blame on the woman. Also, if you're needing to take a hormone for other medical reasons, there's now fear of repercussions. And what about those who want to protect their already existing family or frail future from the narrow-minded "should have taken better care then" who are themselves not caring what caused the situation in the first place? All of the above is scary enough. It's now worse in these states. 

And, no, you can't just "vote" it away. And those who are most affected cannot just "move out" of the state or leave it temporarily. These are the at-risk, the lower income, the minorities, the children, those caught in religious extremism, and more. This goes far beyond the right to have an abortion.

It affects situations like the 11-year-old two counties over here in VA who just gave birth to a girl conceived by her 13-year-old brother raping her. There are so many aspects of their lives being covered up with "religion" as the excuse so three young lives are in crisis. Even away from it the governmental system is so broken, their situation is bleak. I could write an entire blog alone on the scenario around her and others like her now more stuck than ever in a system engineered to bring a baby to birth under "Pro-Life/Anti-Abortion" but with politicians who will not support them after the birth and this system set up to devastate the victims like children and disabled.

Here is an example: In my own first pregnancy, which thankfully ended in miscarriage, I was on birth control but also an antibiotic. It failed the night my first husband went into a drug and alcohol spurned rampage through the house, then took me against my will, leaving me bruised and knowing I could not say a word, or it would be much worse. Had the miscarriage not happened, I would be the mother to a now 19-year-old, having been stuck and dealing with custody arrangements, forced to engage with someone who abused me for years ... or without him, because he didn't pay anything else so why pay child support and the struggle that would also bring on.  

At least I had a family and college education and career, though. Imagine someone who didn't have a supportive family or a career that paid enough for childcare and insurance. Who would be working multiple jobs and barely gets to see their child to raise them and leaves them in the hands of strangers for all but a couple hours a day. Who has to handle one political party's refusal to keep or expand help like childcare vouchers, housing help, SNAP, Medicaid, welfare, paid parental leave, etc., and watch both parties' refusal to set up transitional programs. It is an ALL or nothing system- you live ALL on the system or none and the results are often catastrophic. There is no real in-between. The desperation and knowing end up with women trying to get an abortion be it the pill form that terminates before 10 weeks or one more involved. This is especially true before ACA when birth control wasn't required to be covered, but even now after because it can be so costly.

My second situation was when the decision was made to stop trying for kids in my second marriage. Both of us had genetic illnesses they could inherit. I was getting sicker constantly and knew I'd be unable to give a child the attention and upbringing they deserved. He had his own issues that needed more focus, and it wasn't fair to put a child into that. We were called selfish by family members and churchgoers. Then my OBGYN hit me with the "I need your husband’s permission for you to get your tubes tied" when I learned I couldn't take most birth control anymore and an IUD was out of the question with my condition. This was because I was still child-bearing age! Never did get that done. So many others end up with this scenario, and now they and their lives and children's lives are at more risk.

In some states with these politicians who are banning abortion, some are already restricting certain birth control, two are criminalizing some parts of having a miscarriage, some are eliminating emergency contraception. They've been restricting what is being presented in public schools and eliminating handing out free condoms while students who give birth have to be back in class within a week. Pregnancy does not qualify for homebound instruction in most states anyway so education is interrupted. 

So what are women to do? The painful progress forward around abortion, not just the ability to get one but the ability to prevent one from even being needed, has taken steps back. 

Families everywhere are going to suffer. Our country will suffer. 

In Part Two, there is "The Others" a side of this that is just as scary... the next steps already being promised pursual by one Justice. The ramifications of weakening the 14th are just getting started.