Monday, October 17, 2011

On Choices...

This month has been an interesting one. There has been some major progress on the book scene, a few set-backs on the health scene, the continuing countdown to the end of something that has become a lifeline to me and a couple blasts from the past. I'll be honest, that last part shows some major progress in my life.
     It wasn't that long ago when anything or anyone from my past was banned from my present. All that was allowed in was my best friend from childhood and my family. But, social media works in weird ways. I joined Facebook because of my wonderful online friends at Tiel Talk. Then, a little at a time, people I knew from my childhood church started to trickle into the "friends list." A year later I stared letting down my guard a bit and people I knew from Cumberland Christian School joined the group along with former co-workers. However, there was one group that always got the "not now" or flat out "ignore." It was anyone from my seven years in Colorado. Why?
     That question gets answered in today's mania. See, a couple weeks ago, someone asked me why I've been coming across online as someone in their early twenties versus someone nearly thirty-four. Supposedly, I'm "normally" a serious minded person with a no-nonsense personality. I had to think that over, reread posts, and ask a few others. It's not like I didn't know, I just wanted to verify before verbalizing it. I see my twenties as something that was taken in a series of bad situations. From the two years of lies that turned into three and a half years of an abusive marriage, to moving thirteen times in eleven years across three states, to just wandering lost as I tried to figure out who I was and how I was going to move on. Right in the end, just as I was getting my feet under me and was in a wonderful relationship with the person I call my soulmate -the man I am now married to- my minor health issues from years past became not so minor. The twenties were something I didn't have such fond memories of and wanted to forget.
     I'm facing a condition that is increasingly affecting my quality of life. I think that was the first reason why I started down this road. I want to live my life to the fullest while I am still physically able to. I spent six weeks of this summer on my back, and believe me there was a lot of depression and bad attitude to go with it. That had to stop and one of my dearest friends sat with me one evening and forced all that bad emotion out so I could see how I was coming across. Before the injury I had been on this younger persona road, and he helped get that back on track. The second would be finding out how much fun it is to teach high school students and the joys of mentoring a few of them. They make me feel young, and if anyone was in the Lowes in town last Friday, act young. (Yes, that was me with one of my students trying to find items in each aisle that could take out zombies.) Then you throw in my virtual world where many of the people I interact with are in their twenties and, if they are older, they generally don't act it. It is a place where I can forget the pain and frustration for a couple hours, a place I can laugh freely. The combination has healed me more than anything.
     So, in His perfect timing, God decided it was time for me to face the twenties I actually lived through and not the ones I'm recreating in my daily attitude. He took what had to be the two "safest" people out of that painful seven and a half years and put them in my path. Oh, I balked and whined for sure but hit "accept" anyway. You know what I found out? It wasn't so bad facing them. If anything, it built up my confidence. I am just as eager to press forward with this younger persona online and off. I'm not going off and making stupid mistakes with a live-and-learn attitude. I already did that! This is just how I am choosing to be. As our elders may say, "You are only as old as you think."

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